I'm done.

Here's my newest thinking...anticipation and anxiety in the wait are draining. And although I am longing like never before to travel to Korea and hold my son (I can't wait to see him, hold him, smell and kiss him.) I don't want to miss the here and now.

I have a husband and four children who need me. They need my attention and energy--most of which is being spent checking email, stalking timelines, and worrying about a situation that is COMPLETELY out of my control.

(I did contemplate sending the Korean ministry an "Adopt on!" shirt with a note attached reading "You all can drag your feet as long as you want to, we are still going to...")

Along with this thought, comes another one. Who am I trusting and believing in? If it is the Korean ministry then I am in a whole lot of trouble!

"ALL I HAVE SEEN TEACHES ME TO TRUST THE CREATOR FOR ALL I HAVE NOT SEEN."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I actually blogged about that a long time ago. Funny, or not so, how we can "learn" a lesson and so easily forget it. This post, written on May 24, 2010, boldly proclaimed how I had learned to wait on the Lord and know that His timing is perfect, regardless of how long this adoption might take. I only need to look at my sweet Lindsey and know. How quickly I forget His past provisions and blessings.

I read this the other night from Ann Voskamp's book:

"Raging at children for minor wrongdoings while I'm the one defiling the moment with sinful anger. Hoarding possessions while others die of starvation. Entertaining the mind with trivial pretties when I haven't bowed the head and heart in a prayer longer than five minutes a week."

My first thought was, "Has Ann been living with me the past month (or longer)?" Ouch.

My husband and children are the first to receive my disappointment and anger as another day passes without word on our travel. I can easily fill my mind and time with trivial things that certainly are not going to make the wind blow this way or that. (These days my stomach has been filled with much more than it needs.) My prayers have been more of a "Lord, get those men moving. Make them see that this prolonging isn't helping anyone!" rather than gratitude and trust.

And so I am done. I'm done with the wishing and the wanting. I am going to rest in the peace that He has promised. I am going to fill my day with my 5 Valentines and make memories with them of the days before Carson. I'm determined, with God's grace, to close this chapter with a happy ending...of days filled with love, forgiveness, understanding and joy. I'll relish this chapter's end and look forward with anticipation (only) to the beginning of the next...My family plus one!

Change of date: we'll pick 2 free t-shirt winners this Friday and be placing the new "Adopt on!" shirt order on Monday, Feb. 20. We are so appreciative to all who have shared our fundraising site. Thank you and Share on!